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Nothing like opening the tab where I do all my blog writing and finding 9 unfinished drafts staring back at me as proof I’ve fallen back into old patterns. Impatience. Chasing instant gratification. Abandoning the vision I once held onto.
I’ve been gone for two months. Not because I had nothing to say, but because I had too much and couldn’t figure out how to say it perfectly. So I said nothing at all.
Here I am again, doing the thing I write about: starting over, stopping, disappearing when it gets uncomfortable. Self-sabotaging my own fresh start.
The Pattern of Starting Over (Again)
The last few years have been a journey of self-understanding since I took a sabbatical from drinking and got conscious enough to avoid the old recurring Groundhog Day. Starting over after sobriety felt like being a toddler learning to walk; while remembering how I used to run. It taught me patience the hard way.
But lately, I’ve been second-guessing everything. Craving instant success, instant feedback like a student in a world built for instant gratification. I know what I know, suspect what I don’t; but forget there’s so much I haven’t even discovered yet.
I’ve been on a mission to keep myself from being bored, learning all the different ways other people have found success; from books on building habits to podcasts on entrepreneurship. Trying to fast-track myself by chasing every opportunity that promised a better life, more money, and time freedom.
The biggest mistake? Chasing old ideas of what I thought I valued, without stopping to ask what my soul actually wanted.
Think for Yourself (Even When Everyone Else Has Opinions)
There was (and still is) a desperation to change my surroundings into something society deems successful. I spent over a decade mastering hair, working behind the chair, until one day I’d had enough. My emotional intelligence was lacking in areas I hadn’t dealt with since I started using substances as a crutch.
Starting over when you’ve already succeeded in one area? That’s challenging in more ways than one. You’re not only second-guessing yourself constantly. Everyone else in your life gives unsolicited advice on how they think you’ve come undone.
Limited by their own safety nets and their fear of what they can’t imagine themselves capable of, they offer guidance on what they think needs to be done. They want to protect you from failure.
With everyone against your new direction—including yourself—the pull back to comfort is strong. Back to what you despised but what feels like the only choice. Add in comparison to others who’ve already figured it out, and hopelessness crashes through with the question: “What have I done?”
Why Chasing Money Kept Me Stuck
It’s been 3-4 years of recreating my life. Feeling like a failure, not seeing the desired outcome in sight. Most of the fumbling has been trying to cut corners; attempting fast-track manifestation tricks without the fundamentals set to give a sturdy foundation.
The goals and values I was using for direction hadn’t been updated since I was young and didn’t have any real insight. I kept attempting the same thing over and over with only a slight twist, thinking I’d eventually get it right.
Financial abundance was always the first goal in sight, then came time freedom to actually enjoy life.
It wasn’t until I attempted multiple routes geared solely toward creating wealth that I quickly realized something was still missing. I couldn’t keep my attention on the end goal because chasing money alone wasn’t enough to keep me going.
Personally, I’d always worked 2-3 jobs, working my ass off thinking that as long as I put in the work, success would follow. Right? Then I pivoted to “work smarter not harder;” collecting higher-paying skills, chasing the next strategy.
Yet the underlying hole still made itself known. Life was meant to be more than a fortune I managed to hold.
Money is a necessity. It makes life easier and more enjoyable. But I was lacking the will and purpose that would give me the devotion to actually get it right.
I learned a lot—recurring revenue strategies, investing, different patterns that kept me from ever building the foundation of wealth I desired. But the biggest thing I learned was this: the emotion tied to the reason behind what I wanted was what would drive me to continue.
Finding Purpose Over Perfection
Something had to counteract instant gratification, which is rare when you’re starting from scratch. Something to remind me of the purpose when the end goal wasn’t in sight.
Motivation is temporary, but when you have a bigger meaning (a real purpose), the willpower and devotion don’t feel as tedious.
This is my current insight.
I’ve become aware of this pattern of self-sabotage and I’m working to remind myself of the bigger meaning. But it’s still a work in progress. I’ve heard different ways to stay connected thru vision boards, taping reminders where you’ll see them daily, meditation practices that help with focus and intention. It’s a process of practicing daily, catching yourself, and redirecting your attention to the real purpose.
Nine unfinished tabs. Two months going ghost. These are hints of myself falling off the wagon, letting the old patterns take flight.
But I’m back. Picking up the pieces, getting back on track, and taking what I learned in the pause to adjust my process forward.
Breaking the Cycle: Completion Over Perfection
I’m not letting the perfectionist side of myself degrade me anymore. I’m allowing myself to experiment with new ways to grow into this ideal version I’m working to create in this moment. Holding myself accountable for following through and completing what I start; while knowing I can come back to strengthen things the next round.
My values have changed. Some stayed the same, but I’ve added grace to allow myself to be the best I can be right now. There’s always another step to take, and each step forward is just another uncomfortable thing that becomes normal once you apply it enough.
Completion over perfection has become my new mantra for moving forward.
Time Is Irrelevant (But Action Isn’t)
So much has been learned. But learning without action creates an overwhelming freeze. The fear of messing up, of failing, of running through endless scenarios in my mind; it’s taken up more time than actually just trying something.
I know without a doubt that continuing on will reveal the next portion. It’s not about mastering each individual step. It’s about taking them and moving forward.
The key fundamentals? Getting to know myself. Discovering what ignites my soul. Those have become the sturdy support I get to come back to while following my values in the direction I choose.
Who knows what will fully come out of the next 3-4 years. But I feel like I’m making a dent on what truly matters for me moving forward.
You can’t know what you truly desire until you get quiet with yourself and shut out the distracting noise.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q. How long does it take to break patterns of self-sabotage?
A. There’s no magic timeline. For me, it’s been 3-4 years of trial and error, and I’m still learning. The key isn’t perfection; it’s catching yourself faster each time and getting back on track. Some patterns shift in months, others take years. What matters is staying committed to the process.
Q.What’s the difference between motivation and devotion?
A. Motivation is that initial spark; it gets you started but fades quickly, especially when things get hard. Devotion comes from having a deeper purpose tied to emotion. It’s what keeps you going when motivation runs out and the end goal isn’t in sight yet.
Q.How do I know if I’m chasing money or chasing meaning?
A. Ask yourself: Can I stay focused on this goal even when it’s boring or difficult? If you can’t keep your attention on it, there’s likely something missing. Money goals alone rarely have enough emotional pull to sustain long-term effort. When meaning is attached, the work feels different—still hard, but worth it.
Q.What helped you most when starting over after sobriety?
A. Getting quiet with myself and figuring out what I actually wanted, not what I thought I should want. Also, giving myself grace to experiment and fail without making it mean I’m a failure. And honestly? Learning to complete things instead of chasing perfection.
Q. How do I stop abandoning things I start?
A. Start by identifying why you’re abandoning them. Is it perfectionism? Lack of real purpose behind the goal? Fear of failure? Once you know the why, you can address it. For me, it was realizing I was chasing goals that didn’t actually align with my soul’s desire; so of course I couldn’t stick with them.
Ready to Stop Self-Sabotaging Your Fresh Start?
If this post resonated with you, you’re not alone in this pattern. Breaking the cycle of starting and stopping takes more than willpower. It takes the right tools and a clear sense of purpose.
I created something specifically for this.
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This isn’t another generic challenge. It’s designed for people like us who keep getting in our own way and are ready to actually do things differently.
Inside you’ll get:
- Journal prompts to uncover what you’re actually chasing (and why you keep abandoning it)
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No fluff. No perfectionism required. Just honest tools for people ready to complete what they start.
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So here’s to completion over perfection. To showing up even when it’s messy. To breaking the pattern of self-sabotage one finished post at a time. To the 9 unfinished tabs that reminded me I’m still learning.
P.S. If you found this helpful, I’d love to hear about your own patterns with starting and stopping. What’s sitting unfinished in your life right now? Reply and let me know—I read every message.
Reborn MeatSuit 
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