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I used to think self-love meant bubble baths and rewarding myself with ice cream after accomplishing something. And sure, those moments of kindness matter. But I’ve learned there’s something much deeper- and honestly, much rawer- that comes with truly loving yourself.

It started when I realized I had no clue who I actually was underneath all the noise. Like, who was I when nobody was watching? When the music stopped and the crowd went home?

The Uncomfortable Truth About Finding Your Real Self

Getting quiet with myself was like stepping into a dark room without knowing where the light switch was. Not the kind of quiet where you scroll your phone in silence, but the real kind where you sit with your thoughts and actually listen to what’s rattling around in there.

What I found wasn’t pretty: I was chasing things that looked good on other people, not things that made my soul light up. It was like I’d been lip-syncing to someone else’s song my whole life.

You know how it is- Joe Somebody makes starting an online business look effortless on Instagram, so suddenly you want to be an entrepreneur. Your friend gets into yoga and seems all zen, so you buy a mat that becomes a very expensive dust collector. We’re constantly absorbing what other people want and mistaking it for our own vibe.

The hard question I had to face was: What do I actually want? And the even harder one: What am I willing to sacrifice to get there?

Because here’s what no one tells you about real self-love, it’s not all crystals and good vibes. It requires sacrifice. Not the dramatic, burn-your-life-down kind necessarily, but the daily choice to give up something comfortable for something that feeds your soul. Maybe it’s trading junk food for energy that doesn’t crash. Or those extra work hours for actual time with people you love. Or the familiar rhythm of people-pleasing for the scary freedom of setting boundaries.

The Day I Stopped Being Everyone’s Favorite Person

I’ve always been the person who puts others first. It felt noble, even spiritual. Like I was some kind of guardian angel for everyone else’s feelings. But as I started digging deeper into this whole self-love thing, I realized I wasn’t being selfless. I was being self-destructive.

The wake-up call hit like a guitar feedback screech. I was standing there, phone in hand, about to say yes to yet another favor that would stress me out, simply because I couldn’t handle the thought of someone not liking me. In that moment, this wave of exhaustion crashed over me. Not just tired from being busy, but soul-deep tired from constantly abandoning myself at the altar of other people’s comfort.

That’s when the universe whispered (okay, more like shouted): self-love isn’t just about being nice to yourself. It’s about creating sacred boundaries to protect yourself from your own destructive patterns. This concept of boundary-setting as self-care is something therapists and relationship experts like Dr. Henry Cloud discuss extensively. How healthy boundaries are actually a form of self-respect, not selfishness.

I had to start setting boundaries. Real ones, not the wishy-washy kind where you sort of hint at your limits and hope people catch the vibe. I’m talking about clear, non-negotiable guidelines that protect your energy from the chaos that happens when you just let life happen to you.

This wasn’t easy. I still catch myself thinking only about the other person’s needs and have to consciously pull back to consider what works for both of us. It’s like learning a new song. Some days you nail it, other days you’re completely off-key. But you keep practicing because the music matters.

The Procrastination Truth That Hit Like Lightning

Then I read something that stopped me cold: “Procrastination is a sign of self-hatred.”

 I can’t remember where I first encountered this idea, but it’s similar to concepts explored in books like Atomic Habits by James Clear- how our small daily actions reflect our deeper beliefs about ourselves.

I had to sit with that truth for a while because procrastination had been my toxic relationship since high school. I’d built this whole story around it: I work better under pressure, too much time makes me overthink, the pressure creates better results. All lies I told myself to avoid looking at the real truth.

The real truth was that waiting until the last minute and then scrambling to finish something wasn’t about working better under pressure. It was about not believing I deserved the time and energy it would take to do something with intention and care. It was like I was punishing myself before anyone else could.

When I finally started giving myself enough time to focus on one task with full attention and effort, the results were incomparably better than anything I’d created in a panic. This aligns with research on deep work and focus, Cal Newport writes extensively about how sustained attention creates better outcomes than fragmented, pressured work. But more importantly, the process felt different. It felt like I was taking care of myself instead of punishing myself.

Learning to Be Your Own Best Friend (And Not Your Worst Enemy)

Here’s what I’ve learned about getting to know yourself: it’s like making friends with a stranger who happens to live in your head. And sometimes that stranger has been pretty mean to you for years.

You have to spend time together without distractions. You have to listen to what they actually like and dislike, not what you think they should like. You have to accept their quirks and scars while also being honest about the patterns that aren’t serving anyone.

And just like any real friendship, accepting someone doesn’t mean you never challenge them to grow. This life is all about evolution; not just the physical kind that stops after you hit your max height, but the soul-deep kind that shapes how you handle everything life throws at you.

The self-love work happens in that sacred space between accepting who you are right now and becoming who your soul  is calling you to be. It’s learning to have your own back while still pushing yourself toward better habits, better boundaries, better choices.

The Inner Work That No One Sees (But Your Soul Feels)

This is the part that gets lonely sometimes. The mental and spiritual work that happens completely inside your head and heart, where no one can see your effort or celebrate your small victories.

You have to become your own cheerleader when you choose the harder but better option. Your own coach when you need to break an old pattern that’s been on repeat since forever. Your own detective when you’re trying to figure out why you keep ending up in the same situations like some kind of cosmic broken record.

The work I’m doing now isn’t the kind that gets Instagram likes or impressed reactions from friends. It’s the quiet, sacred work of:

• Noticing when I’m about to abandon my needs for someone else’s comfort
• Questioning whether what I think I want is actually mine or borrowed from someone else
• Choosing the harder conversation instead of avoiding conflict
• Giving myself time to do things well instead of rushing through them
• Setting boundaries even when it feels uncomfortable
• Accepting parts of myself I wish were different while still working on growth

This isn’t easy work, and most days I feel like I’m just figuring it out as I go. But I’m starting to see how these small, invisible choices add up to something bigger, like individual notes coming together to create a song that’s actually mine.

The Long Game of Actually Loving Yourself

You don’t have to walk this path alone. There are others working on similar stuff, and the internet makes it easier to find your tribe of fellow soul-searchers. But at the end of the day, you’re still the only one who can decide to put in the work to change what you want to see changed.

I’m learning to love myself enough to get to know who I actually am underneath all the shoulds and supposed-tos. To accept the parts of myself I’m not crazy about while still working on the patterns that don’t serve my highest good.

Because here’s the thing, I’m going to be living with myself for the rest of this lifetime. I might as well make peace with who I am and start creating the kind of future my soul actually wants to live in.

The bubble baths and ice cream rewards? They’re still part of it. But now they’re celebrations of the harder, deeper work I’m doing behind the scenes. The work of truly knowing and loving the person I’m becoming, one messy, beautiful day at a time.

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Ready to Start Your Own Self-Love Journey?

If this hits different for you, you’re not alone in feeling like there’s more to self-love than surface-level self-care. The real transformation happens in those quiet moments when you choose yourself, set a boundary, or break an old pattern that’s been playing on repeat.

Get my free 7-Day Say Yes Starter Pack and begin shifting how you show up for yourself. This isn’t about quick fixes, it’s about building the foundation for lasting change that comes from the inside out.

What’s inside:

• Daily journal prompts to help you discover what your soul actually craves (not what you think you should want)
• Nervous system regulation techniques for when boundary-setting feels scary as hell
• A step-by-step guide for “burning down the old self” to make space for who you’re becoming

The kind of self-love I’m talking about- the kind that changes everything- starts with saying yes to your own voice. [Download your free starter pack here] and take the first step toward a relationship with yourself that goes way deeper than bubble baths.

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Frequently Asked Questions

Q: How do I know if I’m setting healthy boundaries or just being selfish?

A: Healthy boundaries protect your energy and values while still considering others. Selfishness disregards others entirely. If you’re asking this question, you’re probably leaning toward healthy, selfish people rarely worry about being too selfish.

Q: What if setting boundaries makes people angry or disappointed?

A: People who are used to you having no boundaries will often react negatively when you start setting them. This is normal and doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. Their reaction is about their comfort, not your worth.

Q: How long does it take to overcome people-pleasing patterns?

A: It’s an ongoing practice, not a destination. I still catch myself falling into old patterns, but I notice it faster now and can course-correct. Give yourself at least 6 months to start seeing consistent changes, but be patient with the process.

Q: Is it normal to feel guilty when practicing self-love?

A: Absolutely. If you’re used to putting everyone else first, prioritizing yourself can feel uncomfortable or even “wrong” at first. This guilt often lessens as you see the positive results of taking better care of yourself.

Q: What’s the difference between self-love and self-improvement?

A: Self-love accepts who you are right now while self-improvement focuses on changing. True self-love includes both, accepting yourself AND caring enough to grow. It’s not about being perfect; it’s about being kind to yourself in the process of becoming.

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