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What if the goal was never to be “fixed” in the first place?
I used to think healing had a finish line. You know, that magical moment when you’d finally have your shit together, when you’d be emotionally intelligent enough to handle anything life threw at you, when you’d be officially “healed.”
Then I started doing the actual work.
Five years into sobriety, countless therapy sessions, and more self-help books than I care to admit, here’s what no one tells you about the healing journey: It never fucking ends. And that’s not a bug – that’s the entire point.
The billion-dollar self-help industry wants you to believe there’s a destination. Social media shows you people in their prime, making you think that’s what “healed” looks like. Hell, I know people who’ve been in therapy for decades and still discover new layers of themselves to work through.
But here’s the kicker: even the people who seem to “have it all figured out” are still on their own healing journey.
The difference is they’ve stopped trying to reach some mythical finish line and started embracing the process itself.
The Conversation That Shattered My Illusions
Last week, I overheard someone gushing about how you can supposedly tell a “healed” family by their cozy game nights and their ability to navigate life without drama. As I listened, something twisted in my gut. Not because I was jealous, but because I know the truth behind those picture-perfect moments.
See, I’ve got this friend – let’s call him Dave. He’s pushing 40, still lives for game nights with his mom, posts the sweetest photos of their Scrabble tournaments and family dinners. From the outside? They look like the poster family for “healing done right.”
But here’s what those social media posts don’t show: the decades of unresolved issues, the passive-aggressive comments disguised as jokes, the way they both dance around topics that actually matter. They’ve mastered the performance of being healed without doing any of the real work.
And that’s when it hit me like a ton of bricks: We’ve been sold a lie about what healing actually looks like.
The truth? Even world-renowned speaker JT Foxx – a self-made millionaire who’s mastered the art of success – openly admits he could be in the billionaire bracket if he could just get over his fear of potential loss. Here’s a guy who’s “made it” by every external measure, and he’s still working through his shit.
If someone at that level is still on their healing journey, what does that tell us about the rest of us?
It tells us that maybe – just maybe – we’ve been approaching this whole thing wrong from the start.
Healed vs Healing: The Reality Check
Now I’m just a few years into this journey, and as I’ve mentioned previously, I tried to rush the process and skip steps. Eventually, I had to take a few back steps to get myself back on track. I’m not going to lie – the initial shame and guilt I pulled up from not taking the ‘appropriate’ steps stung and had me questioning the purpose of any of it in the first place.
Yet after sitting with it for a while, I’m recognizing the point I’m trying to make by sharing: It’s a continuous cycle of learning about yourself, adapting, and pivoting from the choices you decide to make.
There is no absolute appropriate step, and no one follows the same format as another. Let’s be real – if we are stubborn in our ways, it’s clearly going to take getting burned a few times before we conclude that there has to be a better way.
The Process Never Really Ends
It’s a process. Once you learn the tools, the basics, and the foundation of what you’re looking for, you can pull them out when the time arises on the next level you’ve entered. I used to think it would be a one-and-done format – all I had to do was follow what worked for everyone else and I would be magically ‘fixed’ and living my best life forever after.
But the reality is we change our minds on what we see as priorities. We achieve goals and then strive for the next one, giving us more challenges to face that rise us up from where we once were. The initial ‘healing’ will forever be an under-the-surface issue, one that will arise and continue to arise as we put ourselves into situations that cause insecurities or old stories to come back to the surface.
Here’s the good news: With practice, each time they arise, the stronger we are from the evidence of previously overcoming them.
What is Shadow Work Healing?
The healing I’ve found myself infatuated with is the shadow work described by Carl Jung. For me personally, I had a lot to uncover dealing with self-worth, confidence, and really getting to know myself.
It was easy to become so infatuated and feel like I had so much work I needed to complete before I would be ‘fixed’ once I got sober and started paying attention. Yet here we are, coming full circle once again in a pattern that left me hopeless.
This is where time shouldn’t matter. The more you try to rush yourself, the more likely you will cut corners and skip important steps – whether because you don’t think you need to worry about one over another, or because the task seems rather daunting to jump into really getting to know yourself.
Getting to Know What Makes You Tick
Shadow work is becoming aware of what makes you tick. Then yes, it’s your responsibility to decide to make a different choice the next time the tick occurs if you see fit. This was a major hang-up for me.
While working on getting to know myself, learning that I’m easily moldable from my surroundings and trying so hard to ‘be good,’ I once again lost the point of really getting to know MYSELF and what I morally saw as right versus what was deemed unfit.
Here’s what I learned: There is no right or wrong, just what works best for you. Hanging on another’s words purely to become someone you think you want to be is ultimately a disaster waiting to unfold.
The ‘fixing’ portion of my journey was the never-ending hopeless pattern that felt overwhelming – like I could never get further.
And it wasn’t until I took notice of the little step of ACCEPTING YOURSELF no matter where you are that something finally clicked. Yes, I can continue to get ‘better.’ Yes, I can continue to work on areas that could use strengthening. But the reality is that I’m perfect exactly where I stand in this moment.
The Struggle of Knowing Too Much
You know that saying about how once you learn something, you can’t unlearn it? There’s truth to that. Once you start recognizing your patterns and realize you actually have the power to change your life, it becomes harder to settle for your old ways.
But here’s what they don’t tell you: it’s rarely an overnight transformation story.
You might have a clear vision of what you want your life to look like. You dive into the inner work, maybe start seeing a therapist, read all the self-help books. But then something interesting happens – it becomes incredibly easy to fall back into what feels comfortable.
The Comfort Zone Trap
Why do we choose comfort over growth? Because comfort feels safe:
- We know what to expect – Even if the outcome isn’t ideal, we’ve been here before
- We have survival strategies – These patterns kept us alive in other situations
- The unknown feels scarier – Sometimes it takes getting really sick of our own patterns before we’re willing to step into uncertainty
For me, this showed up as constantly chasing external validation. I’d create these elaborate fantasies about what success would look like, thinking that if I just took the right steps and thought the right thoughts, everything would fall into place exactly as I planned.
I was still focused on proving my worth through external achievements – the career moves, the money, the recognition. What I didn’t realize is that most of the real inner work is completely invisible until you find yourself in a new situation and notice you’re responding differently.
This is probably why I’ve bounced around so much career-wise. I keep looking for external validation instead of building that solid foundation of self-acceptance first.
The real work isn’t about what others think – it’s about accepting yourself, loving yourself from the inside out, and genuinely not giving a damn about anyone else’s opinion.
When I can cut through the noise of what everyone else is doing, I can actually see how far I’ve come.
The 80/20 Approach to Healing
So while the ‘healing’ is a never-ending process, eventually I’ve found the focus can start shifting priorities. There will always be a flux – a continuous moving flow of adjustment depending on the time and situation that arises.
Where I thought the shadow work portion of healing was my end-all, it’s really just been creating the foundation and base for what’s to come.
The whole realization of accepting myself for where I am falls into this category – being okay that I’m not exactly where I want to be yet, while knowing I’m strong enough to continue moving forward. Letting go of the guilt and shame of what happened in the past was one portion. Letting go of the shame and guilt of not being where I want to be has been the next.
Visualization Without Overwhelm
There’s a visualization technique that many have adopted into their growth journeys. PsychoCybernetics has been a useful tool I’ve read and continue to read – many athletes have also used it in their process. But visualizing what you want can be almost as overwhelming as feeling like you need to be fully healed to continue.
It’s hard to truly visualize when you don’t have a fully solid foundation of what direction you want to take. I’m a dream big or go home type of person (if you haven’t noticed), but paired with FOMO and the rush to accomplish things, I’ve been known to give up before I even get started.
There’s a lot to it: old stories telling me it’s not worth it, the fear of failing and having to start all over, and a big one for me – what’s even the purpose? Yet a lot of these doubts can be strongly fought against when you have a strong will and understanding of your non-negotiables.
When you understand what your values in life are, and you come to terms with accepting you never know what could happen, that’s when real change begins.
Redefining Visualization for Personal Growth
Like I mentioned, I’m a big dreamer – someone who has spent way too much time fantasizing about certain outcomes. I believe this to be one of my biggest problems: creating expectations while hoping and wishing that things would just happen.
I collected ideas from others, saw others succeed in certain scenarios, wanted what they had, and again thought those external validations would make me happy. I chased a lot of them, focusing on the monetary gains that “I thought” would get me where I wanted to be. But every time, I’d drop off with some excuse of why it wasn’t meant to be.
Finding Your Inner Identity
Half searching for the ‘fault’ – the thing that was wrong with me as to why I wasn’t able to succeed in anything I had tried – took even more time away from truly listening to my inner self and what I have been denying.
It’s honestly hard to put into words, as my mind still focuses on the outside category of what others would classify me as. It makes me think of those job interviews where they ask you who you are, and for me, I identified as a certain job or task I was good at. (This still gets me twisted when I attempt to think of what answer they’re really looking for – it reminds me of the movie ‘Wanted‘ when they ask the kid who he is.)
Coming back to there is no right or wrong, no end-all tell-all: visualizing a future without expectation comes down to knowing the inner emotions you would rather be feeling.
Emotions may not be the correct term, as they are involuntary and will forever flow with whatever you get to deal with. Yet the inner knowing and identity of who you set out to be – that’s what matters.
My New Approach to Visualization
I have external desires – I’d like to travel and connect with others, see and experience new places. Yet the ultimatum and pressure of figuring out exactly what that looks like has been my ultimate drain source.
With practicing nervous system regulation, I am preparing myself to stay calm in whatever situation arises. While money is a necessity for survival, I’m also working on calming myself and staying patient and clear-minded to see opportunities as they arise.
Learn more about nervous system regulation techniques that can support your healing journey and help you stay grounded during challenging moments.
My visualization stems around my new identity of the person I myself desire to be. Not exactly how others view me, rather how I want to see me. The shadow work and being aware of the downfalls of some habits I’ve gotten comfortable exhibiting are just steps in the direction of new habits I get to create that strengthen the areas that align better with the new me.
Visualizing is more for memory and registering the purpose for why I am intent on continuing to practice new steps to ingrain them into the natural way of just being.
Without focusing on some expected job or outcome, this time I’m focusing on how I want to show up for myself in who I want to be: the more confident, assured, loving, fearless, adaptable, investing individual.
Practical Steps You Can Take Today
Ready to start your own healing journey process? Here are some concrete steps that have worked for me:
1. Practice Self-Acceptance Daily
- Every morning, remind yourself: “I’m perfect exactly where I stand in this moment”
- Notice when you’re rushing the process and gently slow down
2. Start Shadow Work Basics
- Ask yourself: “What makes me tick?”
- When you react strongly to something, pause and ask: “What is this teaching me about myself?”
3. Reframe Your Visualization
- Instead of visualizing outcomes, visualize the person you want to become
- Focus on inner qualities rather than external achievements
4. Accept the Non-Linear Path
- Expect setbacks and see them as part of the process
- Remember: healing isn’t a destination, it’s a continuous journey
5. Define Your Non-Negotiables
- What are your core values?
- What kind of person do YOU want to be (not what others expect)?
Self-Reflection Questions
Take a moment to consider:
- What does “healed” mean to you personally?
- Where are you trying to rush your healing process?
- What external validations are you still chasing?
- How can you show more acceptance for where you are right now?
- What would focusing on your inner identity look like instead of external outcomes?
In the End: Your Journey, Your Rules
Rather than attempting the overall outcome of my biggest desires, I’m knocking it down a step to visualize the person required to make it possible to achieve the end desire. This end desire – because you can bet your ass once it’s accomplished, I will be striving for the next endeavor – although while learning from past mistakes, I hope to continue to grow and improve rather than starting all over (again).
This healing journey is one for you and you alone. You get the choice of how far you want to go and what makes your priority list for moving forward. Even if you’re rather content, you still get the choice to improve quality over quantity.
But just know: no matter what you do, you are capable of all of it.
The healing journey process isn’t about reaching some mythical “healed” state where you have game nights and perfect emotional intelligence. It’s about accepting the beautiful, messy, continuous cycle of growth, setbacks, breakthroughs, and everything in between.
And honestly? That’s so much more real and valuable than any fantasy of being “fixed.”
Take the Next Step in Your Healing Journey
What’s your biggest takeaway from this healing journey process?What resonates most with your own experience?
If you’re ready to stop chasing the myth of being “healed” and start embracing the beautiful mess of continuous growth, download your FREE 7-Day “Say Yes” Starter Pack and begin your real healing journey today.
Because we’re all figuring this out together, one imperfect step at a time – and that’s exactly how it should be.
Reborn MeatSuit 
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