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Have you ever looked in the mirror and wondered who the hell you’re pretending to be today? Yeah, me too. Here’s what I’m learning about the ongoing process of showing up as myself.
The Lie We’re All Told
Somewhere down the line I’m sure someone has mentioned, “you can be anyone you want to be.” A simple phrase that can get the gears rolling, bring on excitement of all the possibilities, and sometimes bring on the expectation that things will never go wrong.
I’ve heard this phrase in different phases of my life, first it was mentioned as I was a child. Then later on, by a mentor speaking of moving to a new town and having the opportunity to become anyone I want.
Back then I focused solely on titles, on different career paths and how others would view me from the outside in. Always getting caught up on how to make the money to get to the status I needed in order to be the person I wanted to become.
A Different View: What Really Matters
While working on understanding nervous system regulation in the process of figuring out who I really am, something simple hit me. In the journey of finding yourself again – the ‘healing journey,’ or whatever you want to call it – you’ll hear “it’s what’s on the inside that matters.” People can be beautiful on the outside and have such an ugly inside that completely ruins their whole facade, yet if you focus on the inside then you can do no wrong.
Do no wrong may be an understatement, yet the more I sit with this understanding of creating calm within myself, the more I realize that’s all we really have control over. There’s no telling what will happen in the external world, yet equipping ourselves with remembering to breathe deeply, remembering we are not our thoughts or our emotions, and accepting ourselves while moving forward is really all we can do to set ourselves free.
But here’s the thing – before I could get to that place of inner calm, I had to face some uncomfortable truths about how I was living. Maybe you’ll recognize yourself in some of this shit: constantly changing my personality depending on who I was around, feeling physically drained after being social, saying “yes” when every part of me wanted to scream “no,” hiding pieces of myself that others might judge, and always feeling like I was performing rather than just existing.
If any of that sounds familiar, keep reading – because I’m about to tell you about the mask I perfected.
The Gothic Girl I Kept Hidden
Now I am a person of variety, I’ve spent years mastering the mask of being kind and ‘appropriate’ to my surroundings. Yet I also have an undying love of the dark visual reality. Halloween is my all time favorite holiday, i love spooky, black, a little bit of chaos, and all things gothic and a bit morbid.
My obsession has always been a part of me, yet for so long I buried it deep, not wanting to ruffle feathers of people who might judge me. Being shamed into thinking this aesthetic was somehow “lower level” and that no one would get me. A handful of comments like that stuck and created a shame spiral.
I thought I needed to change my whole persona just for others to accept me, to be seen as someone respectable in order to be successful. Even more so on this sober journey of relearning how to live, I fell back into completely abandoning myself just to fit in.
The thing about inner peace isn’t about everything working out perfectly – it’s about taking what is and transforming it, finding the solution that fits, and loving yourself through it.
Yes you can be whoever you want to be, but that doesn’t mean you have to completely give up yourself. Adopt mental characteristics of those you admire while still rocking out your authentic you. This is where your uniqueness comes in. It’s counterproductive to live someone else’s life when you’re fully capable of living your own and mastering it.
Nervous System Regulation: More Pieces to the Puzzle
Here’s what’s been helping me break free from the exhausting cycle of people pleasing:
1. The Deep Breathing Reset
When I felt that familiar panic of “what will they think?” – I started doing this: 4 counts in through the nose, hold for 4, out through the mouth for 6. This literally rewires your nervous system from fight-or-flight back to calm. The research on breathwork shows how powerful this simple technique is for nervous system regulation. Bonus: pair this with a mantra you can believe, for example “I am calm, I am worthy” and get yourself back on track to your full potential.
2. The Thought Observer Technique
Instead of believing every anxious thought about judgment, I’m learning to ask: “Is this thought mine, or is this my trauma speaking?” Most of the time, it’s old programming trying to keep me “safe” through conformity.
3. Body Check-Ins
Before making decisions, I started asking my body: “How does this feel?” Tight chest and shallow breathing = not aligned with my truth. Expansive feeling and deeper breathing = hell yes. This concept of somatic awareness has become a cornerstone of my healing journey.
4. The Emotional Wave Ride
Rather than numbing or fixing emotions, I’m learning to let them run their course. Anger about hiding myself? I feel it. Grief over lost time? I honor it. This is teaching me that emotions are temporary visitors, not permanent residents. It usually takes about 90 seconds for an emotion to pass, allowing it to be released from the body rather than getting stuck and causing weakened health down the line.
5. Boundary Practice with Small Stakes
I’m practicing saying no to small things first, like declining invitations that feel draining. Each small boundary builds my confidence for bigger ones.
New Direction: Creating My Own Adaptation
Rather than fantasizing over other people’s wins, I’m taking stock in creating my own inner calm. The person I want to become is going to adopt the mental characteristics of people who have mastered this. I don’t want their life – I want to create my own version of it. So when shit hits the fan, I can own my part in it.
I know I get bored easily, and I know attempting a constantly calm environment has been more exhausting than just living. The biggest piece I missed was that controlling the external was never what any of it meant. It was heard, it was read, yet my subconscious over ruled and continued doing things like it always did.
Sometimes you have to take a step back and take care of the pieces you missed. I could blame it on the rush of wanting to be healed quick, and while it sucks to back track everything happens for a reason so maybe this time it will actually stick.
Taking It All In: The Risk Worth Taking
My desires are different from yours, but no matter what direction we take, there will always be risk. While I’ve learned that attempting a complete 180 overnight isn’t sustainable, I also skipped steps that could have made it work.
This focus on regulating my nervous system has become everything. Learning to accept my emotions and let them run their course instead of fighting them. Recognizing when it’s my inner turmoil and doubt talking, knowing that’s just my ego trying to keep me safe. We are not our thoughts or our emotions, this is where we get to choose and have control over what we do next.
‘Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, you are correct.” -Henry Ford
If you’re struggling with deeper trauma responses or need professional support on this journey, I’ve found that online therapy platforms can be incredibly helpful for working through people-pleasing patterns and trauma responses in a safe, accessible way.
Take a look at any successful person’s story – 90% will be about making decisions using their inner wisdom and staying calm under pressure. Knowing that not everything will work out perfectly, yet trusting themselves to figure it out when chaos strikes. (If you’re curious about the neuroscience behind this, Dr. Gabor Maté’s work on trauma and authenticity is mind-blowing.)
Being clear-headed while knowing your worth, all boils down to confidence and believing you deserve what you want in this life.
What I’m Learning from This Journey:
- Nervous system regulation isn’t about being calm 24/7 – it’s about returning to center faster
- Your authentic self isn’t something you become – it’s something you keep uncovering
- People pleasing is a trauma response, not a personality trait
- The right people will love your weirdness, not tolerate it
- Inner peace comes from self-acceptance, not external validation
Final Thoughts: Shining Your Own Light
We are all so different, from the things we have experienced to the way we perceive things, that there is no real wrong or right. For me right now it is getting to know myself, and listening to what I want and taking the steps that align me to what feels right.
Balancing selflessness with putting myself first, I’m no longer chasing after someone else’s light. I’ll be shining my own, from either a tall platform or from the trenches depending on whatever phase I may be fighting.
This life is an ornery one, and while my perfectionist is screaming, you don’t know till you try. I’m just a girl who is done with conforming and is ready to own her shit and take flight.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: How long does it take to break people-pleasing patterns?
A: Honestly? It’s not a linear timeline. I started seeing changes within a few days of practicing nervous system regulation, but it’s an on going battle. Be patient with yourself – this is rewiring decades of conditioning, new things are bound to pop up, yet if you continue to practice with the tools you use you’ll be equipped and ready for whatever crosses your path.
Q: What if I lose friends when I start being authentic?
A: Here’s the brutal truth: you might. But the friends you lose were never really your friends – they were friends with your mask. The right people will love your authentic self, not just tolerate it.
Q: How do I know the difference between my authentic voice and my trauma response?
A: Your authentic voice feels expansive in your body – like you can breathe deeper. Trauma responses feel contractive, urgent, and often come with physical tension. When in doubt, pause and check in with your body.
Q: Can nervous system regulation really help with people pleasing?
A: Absolutely. People pleasing is often a trauma response – your nervous system trying to keep you “safe” through conformity. When you regulate your system, you can make choices from calm rather than fear.
Q: What if my authentic self is “too much” for others?
A: Then they’re not your people. I spent years dimming my gothic, chaotic energy for others. The moment I stopped, I attracted people who actually celebrate that part of me. Your “too much” is someone else’s “finally enough.”
Ready to Stop Performing and Start Living?
Look, I could keep talking about this shit all day, but reading about authenticity won’t change your life – doing the work will.
If you’re tired of:
- Feeling exhausted from constantly performing
- Saying yes when every part of you wants to say no
- Hiding pieces of yourself to avoid judgment
- Living someone else’s version of your life
Then it’s time to burn it all down and start fresh.
I’ve created something that will help you do exactly that – my FREE 7-Day “Say Yes to You” Starter Pack. This isn’t some fluffy self-help bullshit. This is the real deal:
What’s Inside:
- Daily journal prompts that will help you uncover who you really are beneath all the masks
- Nervous system regulation techniques I actually use (not just the breathing one)
- “Burn It Down” guidance for safely dismantling the parts of your life that aren’t serving you
This is the same process that’s helping me go from hiding my gothic nature to owning every weird, wonderful part of myself. From people-pleasing to boundary-setting. From performing to just… being.
Get Your FREE 7-Day Starter Pack Here
No bullshit. No spam. Just 7 days of real tools to help you reclaim your authentic self.
What’s your biggest struggle with authenticity? Drop a comment below – let’s get real about the masks we’ve been wearing and what it’s costing us.
P.S. – If this post resonated with you, share it with someone who needs to hear it. Sometimes we all need permission to stop pretending.
Reborn MeatSuit 
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