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I’m the biggest narcissist I know.
But here’s the twist, not to anyone else. Hell no, I couldn’t lie to another person to save my life without drowning in guilt. But to myself? All day, every day, I’m spinning elaborate stories about why I can’t, shouldn’t, or won’t succeed.
If you’ve ever found yourself excited about a new project, only to mysteriously lose steam just when things start getting real, this might hit close to home. Because what I discovered about my own self sabotage patterns changed everything; and it might help you pick up on your own internal dialogue too.
The Subtle Art of Self-Gaslighting
The gaslighting is so subtle I didn’t even recognize it till a couple months ago. I’d get this itch to pursue something meaningful; maybe start that business, learn that skill, or finally commit to that creative project. But then, like clockwork, that familiar degrading voice would kick in with all the reasons why I wasn’t “able” to move forward.
Sound familiar?
Self gaslighting behavior isn’t just negative self-talk. It’s a sophisticated internal manipulation system where you convince yourself that your limitations are facts rather than fears. You become both the abuser and the victim in your own psychological drama.
According to Psychology Today, self-sabotage often stems from deep-seated fears and limiting beliefs that we’ve internalized over time. The key is recognizing these patterns before they derail our progress.
I used to think this was just being “realistic” or “practical.” But here’s what I learned: when you constantly talk yourself out of opportunities before you even try, you’re not being wise. You’re being your own worst enemy.
Trading One Prison Cell for Another
Three years ago, I stepped away from barbering because the studio felt like a jail cell. No adventure, no time for myself, stuck behind four walls all day. I craved freedom, or so I thought.
Fast forward to today, and here I am with all the time in the world, yet I had the audacity to shove myself in a corner at my laptop for 10 hours a day, trying to “make something of myself.”
I traded one cell for another cell.
The whole three years didn’t look like this, mind you. There were adventures; I learned to cook, bought a motorcycle, rode it around town. But most of the time, I wasn’t really appreciating what I had because my head was always up my ass, chasing consistent money. And when I finally made good money? I decided it wasn’t fulfilling enough and needed something more “soul-aligned.”
Here’s the kicker: the last part was true, but the way I went about every job ending was as destructive as my last few relationships. Instead of breathing, communicating, and weighing options like a grown adult, I jumped off the deep end and threw it all away for completely new scenery.
The Pattern Behind Breaking Self Destructive Habits
Can we talk about boundaries and growing up enough to have a conversation? Yes, now we can. But back then, I was clueless about speaking up for myself. I’d let irritation build up until I finally got fed up and made dramatic, life-altering decisions based on emotion rather than logic.
This unconscious self sabotage pattern followed me everywhere. Job after job, project after project, relationship after relationship; the same cycle:
- Get excited about new opportunity
- Dive in headfirst with unrealistic expectations
- Hit the first real challenge or moment of boredom
- Listen to that narcissistic internal voice listing all the reasons why it won’t work
- Abandon ship instead of adapting or problem-solving
- Repeat
The irritation would build to the point where I’d think, “If other people can make money doing things that don’t require being behind four walls, then so can I.” And I did; but then I’d hate having rules to follow, guidelines and requirements for someone else’s gains. Again, I’d dip with the excuse that I needed something more fulfilling.
In reality? A simple pivot would have done wonders.
The Freedom I Was Actually Craving
Here we are again, recirculating projects that interested me years ago. Stunted by my narcissist subconscious brought up all the dirt about why they wouldn’t work out, why I wasn’t capable. When all it would have taken was a little effort and consistency, and I’d be killing it right now.
There were probably 10-12 different avenues I started and never finished in the last few years. Right now, about five are circling back, and had I just spent the time building them back then, I’d have the foundation built for now.
Here’s what I learned about discipline: 66 days is the sweet spot for being disciplined enough to carry out a task and create a habit. The easier the task, the quicker it becomes a habit. The harder the task, the more you fight yourself so the more time it takes to actually do it.
Research from University College London actually shows that habit formation can take anywhere from 18 to 254 days, with an average of 66 days for most people. The complexity of the behavior and your personal resistance patterns play huge roles in this timeline.
But here’s the real revelation- the freedom I’d been desperately craving wasn’t about time or even money (although that would help). It was about mental freedom. Freedom from the jabs my subconscious would throw out that stopped me in my tracks, getting me all twisted up in my head, wasting time worrying about scenarios that hadn’t even occurred and weren’t guaranteed to happen.
Fear of Success Psychology: The Real Culprit
I used the excuse that I was scared to waste time learning new things because I didn’t want to spend a quarter of my life working toward something I’d instantly be disappointed in, like the hair studio. Yet all that worrying about wasting time actually wasted the most time, with me bouncing all over the place, “waiting for something to feel right” or for the universe to drop something perfect at my feet with angelic sounds filling my ears.
This is classic fear of success psychology in action. It’s not that we’re afraid of failing, we’re terrified of what happens if we actually succeed. What if it’s not as fulfilling as we imagined? What if we have to maintain that success? What if people expect more from us?
So instead, we create elaborate self-sabotage mechanisms to keep ourselves safely unsuccessful.
If these patterns feel overwhelming or you’re struggling to break free on your own, professional support can be invaluable. Online- therapy specifically designed to help people work through self-sabotaging behaviors and develop healthier coping strategies. They offer a sliding scale payment process giving everyone an opportunity to reach out for help in their time of need. Sometimes an outside perspective is exactly what we need to see our blind spots clearly, whether temporary or ongoing.
Breaking the Circus: Self Awareness Personal Growth
Was it the newly sober brain? The desperation for unknown freedom? Or was it just getting influenced by what others made look so easy that got me twisted and lost?
Probably all of the above.
But here’s what I know now: it was a lesson I had to go through, am still going through, and believe I’ll always be working through in some capacity. The difference is that now I can see the little tantrums I’ve been throwing at myself.
And here’s the beautiful, simple truth: it’s all just a choice.
The answer is bringing that Midwestern work ethic back out and getting to work on what needs to be done. But this time, the work isn’t three physical labor jobs; it’s personal inner respect and discipline. It’s holding myself accountable and following through with the emotional regulation and level-headedness required to actually make it through.
My Current Inner Practice: Nervous System Regulation
These days, my main focus has become regulating my nervous system. I realized that all those dramatic job exits and relationship endings? They were happening when my nervous system was completely dysregulated- fight, flight, or freeze mode kicking in every time I felt uncomfortable or uncertain.
When your nervous system is constantly activated, that internal narcissist gets louder and more convincing. Everything feels like a threat, including opportunities for growth. So now, instead of white-knuckling through willpower alone, I’m learning to calm my system first.
Here are a few simple techniques that have been game-changers for me (and even you can try them right now):
The 4-7-8 Breath: When I catch myself spiraling into “this won’t work” mode, I breathe in for 4 counts, hold for 7, exhale for 8. It literally shifts your nervous system from sympathetic (stressed) to parasympathetic (calm) activation. Try it three times in a row.
Cold Water Reset: Splash cold water on your wrists and behind your ears, or hold an ice cube. It activates your vagus nerve and interrupts the stress response. I keep a cold water bottle at my desk for this exact reason.
The 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Technique: Name 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, 1 you can taste. It pulls you out of future-focused anxiety and into the present moment where actual decisions get made. Mel Robbins book “The 5 Second Rule,” shares the method in transforming your life, work, and confidence with everyday courage.
Humming or Singing: This might sound weird, but humming or singing (even quietly) stimulates the vagus nerve and literally soothes your nervous system. I’ve started humming while I work, and it keeps me from getting wound up about whether what I’m doing is “worth it.”
The wild part? When my nervous system is regulated, that gaslighting inner voice loses most of its power. It’s still there, but along with redirecting thought patterns, it sounds more like background noise than the commanding officer it used to be.
The Ring Leader of My Own Circus
I’m still lusting over five different directions. While I’ve organized my time and started setting certain days for certain tasks, creating workflows that can batch work without disruptions, there’s still fine-tuning required to calm this whole circus.
Starting with the ring leader: that narcissist, gaslighting subconscious who got away with murder, piling things on top of things to distract from the real issue.
For me, it was the rush of chasing and starting something new, only to step away when it got boring. Boring because the basics were figured out and there wasn’t anything immediately proving it was “worth it.” That nagging voice would kick in: “See, I told you it wouldn’t amount to anything.”
But just like everything I’ve left behind, a little tweaking and pivoting would have made the structure so much stronger. I needed to get out of the “it is what it is” mindframe and start looking for ways to expand the idea by finding the solutions to the problems.
The Real Work of Personal Growth
Not everything deserves my time, I’m well aware that some things just aren’t worth the effort. But coming back to my values and what’s most important for my future is how I’m deciphering what stays and what falls to the bottom.
Self awareness personal growth isn’t about becoming perfect or never struggling again. It’s about recognizing your patterns quickly enough to course-correct instead of burning everything down and starting over.
The Harvard Business Review highlights that self-awareness is one of the strongest predictors of overall success, yet only 10-15% of people are truly self-aware. The gap between thinking we know ourselves and actually understanding our patterns is where most of our problems live.
It’s about calling out your own narcissistic tendencies toward yourself with the same energy you’d use to defend a friend from someone treating them poorly.
The Choice That Changes Everything
Here’s what I want you to take away from this: if you recognize yourself in any of this story, you’re not broken. You’re not uniquely flawed or incapable of success. You’ve just gotten really good at being your own worst enemy.
The good news? You can get just as good at being your own advocate.
Start paying attention to that internal dialogue. When you catch yourself listing all the reasons why something won’t work before you’ve even tried, pause. Ask yourself: “Am I serious right now, is this true?” then “Is it really really true?” Use Byron Katie’s “The Work’ practice to dive in deep when you are really battling.
Because the biggest narcissist you know might just be the voice in your own head, and it’s time to have a serious conversation about whose side it’s really on.
The freedom you’re craving isn’t out there waiting for perfect circumstances. It’s right here, in the choice to stop gaslighting yourself into staying small.
What are you going to choose?
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: How do I know if I’m self-sabotaging or just being realistic about my limitations?
A: Self-sabotage typically involves emotional reasoning and all-or-nothing thinking. If you find yourself listing reasons why something won’t work before you’ve even tried, or if you abandon projects when they get challenging rather than problem-solving, that’s likely self-sabotage. Being realistic involves honest assessment after genuine effort.
Q: Is it normal to start multiple projects and not finish them?
A: Starting projects is normal, but consistently abandoning them when they require sustained effort or get “boring” often indicates deeper patterns of fear or self-sabotage. The key is recognizing whether you’re stopping due to legitimate reasons or internal resistance to commitment and growth.
Q: How long does it take to break self-sabotage patterns?
A: Breaking deeply ingrained patterns takes time and consistent awareness. While new habits can form in 66 days on average, changing core behavioral patterns often takes months of conscious effort. The good news? You can start seeing improvements in awareness almost immediately.
Q: Can self-sabotage be a form of self-protection?
A: Absolutely. Often, self-sabotage develops as a way to avoid potential rejection, failure, or disappointment. Your subconscious mind creates these patterns to keep you in familiar territory, even if that territory isn’t serving your goals.
Ready to Stop Being Your Own Worst Enemy?
If this post hit home and you’re tired of the cycle of starting and stopping, exciting yourself and then talking yourself out of opportunities, I’ve got something that might help.
Get my FREE 7-Day “Say Yes” Starter Pack -designed specifically for people who are ready to stop gaslighting themselves into staying small.
Here’s what’s inside:
- Daily journal prompts to help you catch your internal narcissist in action
- Nervous system regulation techniques for when that familiar anxiety kicks in about moving forward
- “Burn it down” exercises to help you identify and release the old patterns keeping you stuck
- Recreate yourself guidance with practical steps for building new, supportive internal dialogue
This isn’t another generic self-help resource. It’s specifically designed for people who recognize themselves in this story; who are ready to call out their own BS and finally start showing up for their dreams.
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Because the biggest narcissist you know doesn’t get to run the show anymore. It’s time to choose yourself, for real this time.
Share this post with someone who needs to hear that their internal dialogue doesn’t have to be their internal enemy. Sometimes recognizing we’re not alone in these patterns is the first step toward breaking free.
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