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For years, I listened to my guy friends complain about the “crazy girls” they’d attract. You know the type; the ones who’d blow up their phones, create drama out of nothing, and refuse to take no for an answer. I’d shake my head sympathetically, genuinely confused about why any woman would act that way.
I thought those women had personality disorders. I thought they were just… nuts.
Then I became one of them. And honestly? It was like watching myself become everything I’d sworn I’d never be, like some twisted version of a song you used to love but now can’t stand.
The Perfect Storm of Self-Deception
It started innocently enough. I was getting a tattoo when I met him. Gorgeous eyes, well-maintained physique, easy conversation that flowed for hours. We had everything in common, or so it seemed. For the first time in my life, I felt that spark everyone talks about in movies.
Here’s the thing about my dating history: most of my relationships had been like background music; there, but not really moving me. I stayed with people because they gave me access to something I wanted. Drugs, a certain lifestyle, or just the comfort of not being alone. I’d never really been in love because, honestly, I’d never really known who I was.
But this felt different. This felt like the universe had finally turned up the volume on my life.
I was in my manifestation era, obsessed with signs and synchronicities. And suddenly, they were everywhere. The song that came on the radio when I thought about him. The way our paths seemed to cross “randomly.” The fact that both our fridge door handles were broke in the same spot.
I convinced myself the universe was telling me he was “the one.”
So when I finally worked up the courage to tell him how I felt and he shot me down, kindly but firmly, I should have walked away.
Instead, I doubled down like I was fighting for the last ticket to my favorite band.
The Rabbit Hole of Magical Thinking
“He just doesn’t know what he wants yet,” I told myself. “This is just the universe testing how badly I want this.”
I became a detective of hope, analyzing every text message for hidden meaning. When he’d take hours to respond, I’d create elaborate stories about why he was probably just scared of his feelings. When he’d be distant, I’d convince myself he was protecting us both from something too intense.
The most messed up part? He stayed in my life. For over three years, he’d drift in and out; never hitting me up first, but always responding when our paths crossed. Just when I thought I was finally over him, he’d appear again, and I’d spiral right back into my fantasy future.
It was like being stuck on repeat with a song that was slowly driving me insane, but I couldn’t turn it off.
I created an entire relationship with someone who had told me point-blank he didn’t want one.
Looking back, I can see how exhausting this was. But in the moment, I was completely lost in the story I’d written in my head. I’d daydream for hours about how things would unfold, how perfect our life would be once he “came around.”
The signs I was looking for from the universe? I was finding them because I was making them up.
The Brutal Truth About People-Pleasing
Here’s what I couldn’t see then: my entire approach to relationships was like playing a character I thought people wanted to see.
Not on purpose, I genuinely believed I was just being a good friend. But everything I did was calculated to make people like me so I could get what I wanted from them. I was a people-pleaser, but not out of kindness. I was a people-pleaser because it was my way of getting my needs met without having to actually ask for anything.
With him, I bent myself into a pretzel trying to be the “cool girl” who was totally fine with whatever scraps he wanted to give me. I never set boundaries because I was terrified that any pushback would make him disappear entirely. I accepted crumbs and called it a feast.
I realize now that I’ve done this in every relationship I’ve ever had. I’ve never shown up as my real self because I’ve never known who that person actually is. Instead, I’ve shown up as whoever I thought would get me what I wanted; attention, validation, security, love.
The scariest part? It worked, kind of. People did like the version of me I presented. But they didn’t like me because I never let them see me. I was like a cover band; technically good, but not the real thing.
What I Wish I Could Tell My Past Self
If I could go back and talk to the woman who spent three years chasing someone who didn’t want her, here’s what I’d say:
Start here – ask yourself these questions honestly:
- What am I actually getting from this situation that I could get somewhere else?
- Am I trying to change someone’s mind about me, or am I accepting what they’ve told me?
- What would I tell my best friend if she were in this exact same mess?
- Am I showing up as myself, or as who I think they want me to be?
- What boundaries have I thrown away to keep this person in my life?
The hardest truth I had to face was that I wasn’t in love with him. I was in love with the idea of him, with the fantasy relationship I’d created in my head. Real love means seeing and accepting someone as they actually are, not as you hope they’ll become or the potential you think you see.
I was so busy looking for signs from the universe that I missed the biggest sign of all: his words. When someone tells you they don’t want what you’re offering, believe them the first time. The universe isn’t testing you, it’s trying to redirect you.
This is what experts call anxious attachment, and understanding this pattern was the first step toward breaking it.
Learning to Direct My Life Instead of Just Letting It Happen
The pattern I recognized goes way beyond this one relationship. For most of my life, I’ve been like a passenger in my own car, just along for the ride instead of actually driving.
I drank away rejection instead of dealing with it. I stayed in relationships that served me rather than ones that actually made me happy. I waited for signs instead of making real decisions.
This way of living felt safer because it meant I never had to risk real rejection. If I never really asked for what I wanted, I could always tell myself that maybe, possibly, it might still happen someday.
But living this way meant I was never really living at all. I was just existing, waiting for life to happen to me.
The relationship with the tattoo shop guy forced me to see this pattern because it was so extreme, so undeniable. I couldn’t pretend I was being normal or healthy. I had become the “crazy girl” I’d judged so harshly in others.
And you know what? That realization hit me like the drop in my favorite song; sudden, intense, and impossible to ignore.
The Ongoing Work of Becoming Myself
I wish I could tie this up with a neat bow and tell you I’ve figured it all out, but that wouldn’t be real. What I can tell you is that recognizing these patterns was like finally hearing my own voice in the mix instead of just the noise.
I’m learning to sit with uncomfortable feelings instead of immediately trying to fix them or run away. This process (what therapists call emotional regulation) is literally rewiring my nervous system. I’m practicing saying what I actually want instead of hoping someone will read my mind. I’m working on showing up as myself, whoever that turns out to be, rather than as who I think others want me to be.
The hardest part has been accepting that some people won’t like the real me, and that’s actually okay. Better to be disliked for who you are than loved for who you’re pretending to be. The universe has a funny way of bringing you exactly what you need when you stop trying to force what you think you want.
This journey of radical self-acceptance isn’t just feel-good fluff, it’s the foundation of healthy relationships.
I still catch myself falling into old patterns sometimes. The difference is that now I recognize the tune faster and change the station sooner. I’m not perfect at this new way of being, but I’m committed to the work.
Because here’s what I know now that I didn’t know then: the only person whose approval I really needed was my own. All those years I spent trying to get others to choose me, I never bothered to choose myself.
That’s the work I’m doing now, learning to choose myself first, every single day. It’s messier than the fantasy relationships I used to create in my head, but it’s real. It’s raw. It’s mine.
And real is what I’ve been looking for all along. Sometimes the universe gives you exactly what you need by showing you exactly what you don’t.
Ready to Stop the Cycle? Your Journey Starts Here
If this story hit close to home, you’re not alone. And more importantly, you don’t have to figure this out by yourself.
Get my free 7-Day Say Yes Starter Pack and begin your own journey from people-pleasing to authentic self-expression. This isn’t another generic self-help download; it’s a real toolkit for burning down the old patterns that keep you stuck and creating space for who you’re actually meant to be.
What’s inside:
- Daily journal prompts that cut through the BS and get to your truth
- Nervous system regulation techniques to help you sit with discomfort instead of running
- Step-by-step guidance for safely burning down your old self to make room for the new
[Download your free starter pack here]
The woman who chased unavailable men for three years? She had to go. But the woman who emerged from that mess? She was worth the whole painful journey.
Your authentic self is waiting. Let’s find her together.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: How do I know if I’m the “crazy girl” in my relationships?
A: If you’re constantly analyzing texts, making excuses for someone’s behavior, or feeling like you’re always trying to prove your worth; you might be caught in this pattern. The key sign is when you’re working harder for the relationship than the other person is.
Q: Is it really possible to change these patterns after years of people-pleasing?
A: Yes, but it takes time and intentional work. I didn’t change overnight, and neither will you. The good news is that recognizing the pattern is honestly the hardest part. Once you see it, you can start changing it.
Q: What if I lose people when I stop people-pleasing?
A: You probably will lose some people, and that’s actually a good thing. The people who only liked you when you were bending over backward to please them weren’t really your people anyway. The right people will appreciate your authenticity.
Q: How do I tell the difference between real signs from the universe and wishful thinking?
A: Real signs feel calm and clear, not desperate and grasping. If you’re searching frantically for signs or creating elaborate meanings from random events, you’re probably in wishful thinking territory. Trust your gut, it usually knows the difference.
Q: What’s the difference between healthy attachment and being “crazy”?
A: Healthy attachment respects boundaries, accepts people as they are, and doesn’t require constant reassurance. “Crazy” behavior usually comes from trying to control outcomes or change someone’s mind about you. If you’re exhausted by your own behavior, that’s a red flag.
Bookmark this for your next 2am overthinking session (we’ve all been there). And if you have a friend currently analyzing screenshot texts with you at midnight- send her this. She’ll thank you later.
Reborn MeatSuit 
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