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Ever try to be yourself so hard that you end up being someone else entirely? Yeah, that was me for way too long.

I got into affiliate marketing thinking it would be easy money—just promote other people’s products online, right? But everything in this space revolves around social media, and I quickly realized that nobody wants to see the same robot performance over and over again. Everyone kept saying “just be authentic,” like it was the simplest thing in the world.

The irony smacked me in the face one day when I was copying another creator’s video frame by frame. My perfectionism kicked in, and what should’ve been a quick task turned into hours of trying to look exactly like someone else. I was trying so damn hard to be “authentic” that I was being fake as hell.

That moment cracked something open in me. Like a song you’ve been humming wrong your whole life, and suddenly you hear the real version. I realized I didn’t just need to learn sales techniques or figure out affiliate marketing—I needed to figure out how to be yourself underneath all the noise.

The Mirror That Showed Me Nothing

Here’s what freaked me out the most: when I asked myself “Who am I?” I got nothing. Radio silence. I’d spent so long being whatever everyone else needed that I had zero clue what I actually wanted or who I really was under all that people-pleasing bullshit.

I knew there had to be more to me than just the person who bitched about everything. But learning how to find your true self felt impossible when I’d been living as everyone else’s mirror for so long.

When people would casually say “just be yourself,” I wanted to scream. Be myself? Which self? The one who says yes to everything? The one who thinks being nice means being a doormat? The one who overthinks every single thing until it loses all meaning?

It became this toxic cycle, like being stuck in a song you hate but can’t turn off. I’d get lost trying to figure out what others wanted from me instead of just showing up as I was. I was performing authenticity, which is probably the most fake thing you can do.

It’s like the universe was laughing at me—trying to be real by being totally fake.

Finding Your True Self in the Mess

I thought being authentic meant being some perfect version of myself—someone who had it all figured out, who never struggled, who could balance being loving without getting walked all over.

But that’s not how to be authentic. That’s how to burn out completely.

I remember trying to create content and second-guessing every single word. Should I sound more confident? More vulnerable? More like that successful creator I saw yesterday? Even when I was trying to be “real,” I was still performing for some imaginary audience in my head.

Here’s the truth that hit me like a freight train: there’s no perfect way to show up as yourself. The more I studied this stuff, the more I realized we’re never done growing. There’s always another layer to peel back, always something new to discover about who we are.

The real breakthrough came when I realized that being authentic isn’t about becoming someone new—it’s about accepting who you already are, mess and all. For me, someone who thought I wasn’t worth shit, self-acceptance became the foundation everything else was built on.

I’d always hung around people I looked up to, usually because they didn’t give a damn what others thought and had that kind of confidence that made it seem like the world owed them something. But here’s what I learned: surrounding yourself with confident people without working on your own confidence just shows you how much you’re still tuning into everyone else’s station instead of your own.

Even now, I catch myself doing it. I’ll be talking to someone and realize I’m more focused on what they want than what I want. It’s annoying as hell, but it’s also progress because at least I’m aware of it now.

When I started learning sales techniques for affiliate marketing, one of the biggest lessons was to think about what the other person wants. But as someone who’s always put others first, I had to consciously add: what do I want from this too?

Writing that feels selfish, but I’m learning to quiet that voice. Instead of asking “What’s wrong with me for thinking about myself?” I’m asking “What’s the solution here? How can I honor both what they need and what I need?”

Sometimes the universe puts you exactly where you need to be to learn what you need to learn.

The Critical Shift That Changed Everything

Here’s what nobody tells you about trying to stop people pleasing: you don’t realize how much you’re doing it until you start paying attention. Being your own worst critic becomes so automatic that you don’t even notice you’re doing it anymore.

I was tearing apart everything—my own actions, other people’s choices, every conversation I had. It was exhausting, and it bled into everything I did. The criticism was so constant it felt normal.

But once I realized this had become my default setting, I saw hope. Because if it’s just a habit, then it’s just a choice. And I could choose differently.

It’s like finally hearing the bass line in a song you’ve listened to a hundred times—once you notice it, you can’t unhear it.

Here’s what I started doing to break the pattern:

• Catch myself in the act – When I notice I’m being overly critical of myself or others, I pause and redirect my focus
• Ask better questions – Instead of “What’s wrong with this?” I ask “What’s the next best step?”
• Practice giving grace – Both to myself and others, especially when things don’t go perfectly
• Focus on solutions – When I catch myself problem-focused, I shift to solution-focused thinking
• Celebrate small wins – Every little step forward counts, even if it doesn’t feel significant

The goal isn’t to never be critical—it’s to catch yourself before the entire interaction is consumed by it and bring yourself back to center.

Learning to Love the Process

How to be yourself comes down to getting to know YOU. Not the person you think you should be, not the person others expect you to be, but the person you actually are right now.

I used to think I needed to fix all my problems before I could start loving myself. But here’s what I’m learning: you can love who you are now while still growing into who you want to become. You don’t have to choose between accepting yourself and improving yourself.

We’re always wanting more anyway. Even if you get those six-pack abs or that rock star confidence, the high wears off in about a week. So you might as well stop wasting time waiting to love yourself and start now.

I’m learning to celebrate the small wins, not just the big ones. Every little bit adds up, and before you know it, you look in the mirror and realize you’re not who you used to be.

The universe has a funny way of showing you exactly what you need to see when you’re ready to see it.

The Ongoing Journey

I still catch myself trying to be what I think others want instead of just being myself. I still overthink things. I still sometimes wonder if I’m doing any of this right.

But that’s kind of the point, isn’t it? Learning how to be yourself isn’t some destination you arrive at—it’s a practice. It’s choosing to show up as yourself, even when you’re not sure who that is yet. It’s giving yourself permission to be imperfect while you figure it out.

The most authentic thing I can say is that I’m still learning. I’m still growing. I’m still discovering who I am underneath all the layers of who I thought I needed to be.

And maybe that’s enough. Maybe that’s actually everything.

Do what you love and have fun. None of us are getting out of here alive, so we might as well enjoy the time we have. And we might as well do it as ourselves—messy, imperfect, still-figuring-it-out ourselves.

Because that’s the only version of you that’s actually authentic. That’s the only song you can really sing.

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Frequently Asked Questions

Q: How do I know if I’m being authentic or just people-pleasing? A: People-pleasing feels draining and makes you resentful. Being yourself feels scary but energizing. If you’re constantly worried about others’ reactions, you’re probably people-pleasing.

Q: What if I don’t know who I really am? A: That’s totally normal! Start by noticing what makes you feel alive vs. what makes you feel drained. Pay attention to your gut reactions before your brain kicks in with “shoulds.”

Q: How do I stop caring what others think? A: You don’t completely stop caring – that’s human. But you can practice caring more about your own opinion than others’. Start with small choices that feel true to you.

Q: Is it selfish to focus on being myself? A: Not at all. When you’re authentic, you show up better for everyone. People-pleasing actually hurts relationships because it’s not genuine.

Q: How long does it take to learn how to be yourself? A: It’s an ongoing process, not a destination. You might notice changes in weeks, but it’s really a lifelong journey of self-discovery.

Ready to Start Your Own Journey?

Learning how to be yourself is one of the most important things you can do, but it doesn’t have to be a lonely journey.

Want more real talk about personal growth? Subscribe to get my weekly insights about building confidence, stopping people-pleasing, and finding your true self. No BS, just honest stories and practical tips from someone who’s been there.

Remember: you don’t have to have it all figured out to start. You just have to start.